Perfectionism sells a finish line that keeps moving. Samantha de Caro, director of clinical outreach and education at the Renfrew Center, says a better move than chasing it is to ask what you hope it will give you.
Perfectionism is a trick
Samantha has worked with eating disorders for over 14 years, and she sees perfectionism show up alongside them often. She is direct about it. In her words, “perfectionism doesn’t exist anywhere in the universe.” The standard is not one you keep failing. It is one no one can meet.
She calls it a trick that keeps us chasing something impossible. Culture feeds it. Algorithms send more of whatever you already watch, and the messages about self-improvement focus on appearance, especially for women. Youth and the perfect body are things we can never actually catch, she says.
That chase can narrow a life. Samantha says many clinical eating disorders start with an attempt to change the body, and patients can often name the day they went on a diet. Research fits that pattern in part. One eight-year study of adolescent girls found self-reported dieting was one of the markers linked to later onset of eating disorders.
Ask what you hope it will give you
When the urge for the perfect body, the perfect salary or the perfect career hits, Samantha suggests a pause and one question. What do I hope this will give me? She says the answer is usually love, acceptance or belonging. Those are human needs, and they can be met in other ways. The irony, she notes, is that the pursuit of perfect often pushes us further from them.
This is where her line about self-esteem fits. She tells clients, “Self-esteem is an inside job.” Look for it outside yourself and you often come up short. Inner work can include asking whose voice your inner critic is. Samantha often asks clients whether it reminds them of someone from their past. She also points to gratitude for what your body can do and for the connections you have.
Comparison is the other trap. Her first step in treatment is mindful awareness, which means noticing comparison without judgment. After that you can experiment. You might unfollow some accounts or take a break. A JAMA Network Open study found that a one-week break from social media was linked to lower anxiety, depression and insomnia symptoms in young adults.
Try this once this week. When you catch the pull toward a perfect version of anything, write down what you hope it will give you. Then name one other way to meet that need today, such as calling a friend who accepts you as you are. If food or body worries feel heavy, Samantha says a therapist or dietitian can help, and you do not have to do it alone.