Healthy regulation is not constant calm. It is the ability to move through a hard feeling and then settle once the reason for it has passed. That is the idea Shale Maulana came back to when I asked what a well-regulated nervous system looks like.
Flexibility matters more than calm
I assumed the goal was less activation. Shale Maulana disagreed right away. Shale told me, “I don’t think we are meant to be regulated all the time.” Anger, frustration and annoyance are part of being human. Fear is part of staying safe.
The real question is what happens next. Once the stimulus is gone, can you come back down? Shale uses a simple picture. If a bear chases you, you should react. Once you are safe again, the test is whether you can realize you are okay and settle. In Shale’s words, “I think the picture of health to me is flexibility not that we’re always calm and always regulated.”
Researchers describe something similar. One flexible stress response is proportional to the threat and returns to baseline when the threat is gone. An inflexible response does not match the size of the stressor. This does not mean any one person should feel a certain way. It gives a useful way to look at your own patterns.
Why the settling part can get stuck
Shale explains that unprocessed emotional material can keep the system on alert. It can show up as anxiety, an overreaction, or low mood. Shale uses the image of a flashlight in a warehouse. Your conscious mind lights only a small corner, while much more is stored out of view.
Sleep offers one clue. Shale describes dreams as the brain making sense of the day. A bad dream that you sleep through is still processing. Waking up in fright night after night is different. Shale reads that as a sign the process is not reaching completion, and a reason to seek support. Nightmares are also recognized as a symptom of PTSD, so a recurring pattern is worth raising with a clinician.
Shale also pushes back on a common trap. Some people feel they need to know exactly why they react before they can work on it. Sometimes the cause is unknowable. Shale suggests asking what support you need to be okay now, and wondering why you feel you need evidence to justify a feeling.
Here is one thing to try. The next time you get angry or anxious, skip the question of how to stop feeling it. Notice instead how long it takes you to settle once the situation ends. Write down what helps you come back down, such as a walk, a conversation or a quiet few minutes. Over a few weeks, you may see your own pattern more clearly. If something keeps pulling you back into alarm, a therapist can help you look at it with support.