A stable identity does not come from a fixed plan. It comes from being willing to revise the plan without apologizing for it. That was the one piece of advice Joshua Estrin gave when I asked what a person in their 20s should hold onto in a culture that keeps telling them who to be.
His answer was short. “Be willing to change the plan.” Make a plan, he said. Decide where you want to be at 30, 40 and 50. If it stops fitting, change it and don’t explain yourself to anyone.
Why a changing plan is not a weak identity
Estrin lives this way. He started as an actor and became a data scientist working in artificial intelligence. He still keeps his clinical work, writes books and makes short videos. In his words, “There have been so many versions of me.” He entered university planning to be a physician and then a corporate lawyer, mostly to please his parents. Around age 40, he went back to study applied mathematics, a subject he says he failed in high school.
He applies the same thinking to online life. His voice on one platform differs from his voice on another. A cooking video, a post about his family and a joke are all real parts of him. The tiring part is the demand to name one “real” version and defend it. He also noted that hiding who you are takes a lot of energy, which is why he treats authenticity as a base for mental health.
Public identity-building raises the stakes, especially for younger people. Estrin does not think a six or eight year old should be posting videos. He sees real room for teens to explore, but he asks what safety net exists when a post draws huge numbers of hostile comments. Research groups share the caution. The American Psychological Association’s health advisory says social media is not inherently good or bad for young people, and that effects depend on the teen and the context. The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory states that we cannot conclude social media is sufficiently safe for children and adolescents.
Changing the plan is not drifting
Estrin ties flexibility to choosing on purpose. At university, he says, unlimited options feel like a buffet with no portion control, and a crowded room can still feel lonely. His answer is to pick communities by what brings you joy and what challenges you, not by what everyone else joins. He described his son joining a high school club where he was not a typical member. He stayed all four years, and the few friends who lasted came from that club.
Here is one thing to try. Write your plan for the next five years on a single page. Beneath it, list two parts you hold mainly because someone else expected them. Ask whether you would still choose each one today. Keep what you would choose, and change the rest. A plan is a working draft, and revising it is part of knowing yourself.