Achievement tells you what you did. It does not tell you who you are. Theresa B. Skaar, a social psychologist and mindfulness-based stress reduction instructor, says the answer is to treat yourself as someone you are in a relationship with. Like any relationship, it needs time, attention and curiosity.
Why we measure performance, not experience
Skaar points out that performance has clear answers. Did you get the degree? Did the patent issue? Yes or no. Knowing yourself has no scorecard, and nobody trains us to do it. When achievements become identity, a change like retirement or an empty nest can leave people asking who they are without the daily structure.
There is also a mixed message at work. We are told to achieve, and we are told not to brag. So when something goes well, many of us brush it off. Skaar says letting in a success can feel vulnerable and even discombobulating. She practices it herself. When someone says they enjoyed her talk, she tries to receive it instead of deflecting it.
The pause as a daily check-in
Her main tool is what she calls the power of the pause. She defines mindfulness as paying attention on purpose in the present moment, without judgment. Researchers have looked at this kind of practice closely, and the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health summarizes studies of mindfulness-based approaches for anxiety and depression.
Skaar says gratitude works the same way. For people who are struggling, a written list of five things can leave them feeling worse. They have all these things and still feel flat. She prefers gratitude that arises on its own when you give plain attention to something ordinary, like washing dishes or closing a deal.
From there, she suggests a short daily check-in. Is this still the direction I want to go? How much is enough? Is this a story I took on from my grandparents, or is it mine? Values cards can help sort this out. Skaar calls the process an archaeological dig through family, society and culture. Sometimes the result is a new choice. Sometimes it is peace with an old one, such as staying in an unfulfilling job because it provides for your family.
Writing is a simple way to do this. Expressive writing has been linked to lower stress, according to UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. Skaar points to free journaling as a starting place.
Try this. Set a timer for five minutes. Write the phrase Skaar teaches clients, I don’t know but I want to, and see what comes. Do not grade it. Once a month, also do one thing just for you, and notice whether you like it. You are not fixing anything. You are getting to know someone.