Loneliness is not the same as being alone. You can sit at a full dinner table, lead a large team, or scroll through thousands of contacts and still feel lonely. Psychotherapist and executive coach Nick Jonsson says the cause is often hidden: we have not let anyone see us as we are.
The mask gets heavier as you climb
Jonsson, author of Executive Loneliness, started researching the topic in 2019. The common saying was that it is lonely at the top. He wanted to know if loneliness also shows up in the middle of an organization. He found that it does. At entry level, you have many peers to talk with. With each step up, the work gets more competitive. People stop showing weakness and put on a mask to look their best.
That is where loneliness grows, he explains. If you are afraid to ask for help, you are forcing yourself to be someone you are not.
Jonsson lived this. Earlier in his career, he told employers up front that he needed support with spreadsheets and financial formulas, and they provided it. In his last corporate role he did not say so. When pressure built, he worked longer hours instead of asking for help. He burned out, resigned, pulled away from his marriage, and began drinking heavily. The same pattern of hiding and withdrawing showed up everywhere.
A test for emotional loneliness
Jonsson offers a direct question. When you are surrounded by friends and family, do you feel lonely? What about at the office, among colleagues? If so, he says, it probably means you have lost some connection with yourself and have not been fully honest with the people around you.
His answer is not to share everything with everyone. He says oversharing at the office is not the goal. Instead, find a few people you trust and take those relationships deeper. In his words, “we don’t need too many people we need one or two perhaps three people who we can trust.”
He also points to small, low-risk ways to practice. In his men’s community, members check in each morning and share one thing they are grateful for. It can be a home-cooked meal or a walk with a son. Jonsson calls this exercising the vulnerability muscle. Leaders can do the same by owning a mistake and saying what they learned, which makes it safer for others to do likewise.
Jonsson also stresses that speaking with a coach or therapist can help. Once you voice a situation aloud, he says, there is a sense of ownership, and sometimes one or two sessions are enough to see what needs to change.
One thing to try this week: pick one person you trust and tell them something true that you would normally keep to yourself. Start small. Then notice whether they open up in return.
From the episode: The Silent Crisis of Success: Nick Jonsson on Redefining Executive Loneliness, with Nick Jonsson. Read the full transcript.