Your brain is a prediction and problem-solving machine, not a fulfillment machine. That is why a win rarely feels like enough. Licensed professional counselor Helene Zupanc says it plainly: your brain will keep moving the bar, because that is what it is meant to do.
I know this pattern well. I finish something and ask what is next. In my conversation with Helene and her co-author Beth Valdez, they explained why that happens and what to do about it.
The bar keeps moving
Helene works with many high-achieving, perfectionist clients. Many believe that once everything is done, their brain will finally settle. It does not. The brain looks for the next problem, and the nervous system scans for what could go wrong. Beth added that the survival system does not separate physical danger from emotional danger.
So the feeling of being unsatisfied is not proof that you have the wrong life or have not done enough. It is the brain doing its usual job.
Steer by values, not by feelings
Helene draws on acceptance and commitment therapy. Its core move is to name what matters to you and act on it, even when anxiety or restlessness is present. Achievement can give a sense of accomplishment, but she points out it cannot answer the question of what matters to you.
She likes a mantra Beth wrote. In Helene’s words, “Your thoughts and feelings can ride in the car but they can’t touch the steering wheel.” You do not have to stop the thoughts. You decide where the car goes.
Meaning follows the same logic. Helene notes that parenting, exercise and marriage do not always feel meaningful in the moment. Meaning is not always a feeling. Sometimes it means you are willing to show up.
Beth adds another layer. Many people chase milestones to prove they are enough. When they reach the milestone, nothing has changed, because that was never the core issue. She suggests asking about core beliefs and asking a different question. Instead of what you want to achieve, ask who you want to be in ten years.
Try this
Pick one recent win, even a small one. Before you move to the next task, spend two minutes noting what it says about your values. Notice the pull toward what is next, and let it ride along without steering. Helene says habits like this tend to take about two months of daily practice before they start to feel easier, and Beth compares it to building a muscle. Keep it small and repeat it.
From the episode: Beyond the Achievement Trap: Finding Fulfillment in the Present Moment, with Helene Zupanc. Read the full transcript.